I hope your Thanksgiving week is going well. I’m sure that many who read this blog will be driving down the road … over the hills and through the woods to Grandmother’s house, as it were. I hope you all have safe journeys. I’m looking forward to being at my parent’s home on Thursday. I’ll get to see my brother and his wonderful family. We only see each other about once a year. I wish we lived closer together.
But since many of us will be driving, I wanted to remind you of the New Rules For Driving. I know, most of you took Driver’s Ed, but that’s a long time ago. (Do all Driver’s Ed teachers have that nervous tic?) Back in the old ages, the rules were clear. But today’s postmodern driver doesn’t know about the things you learned. It’s a touchscreen world in a cashless society where the less real something is the more they like it. Driving is considered “free time”, and it begs to be filled with something meaningful. You know, you want to do something useful with your time while you are careening down the road at 80 miles per hour in a two thousand pound vessel of steel and rubber. So I wanted to fill you in on the New Rules for Driving.
1. Wide Medians are Turning Lanes. Don’t sit at the light with your right blinker on, just drive down the wide median as if it were a turning lane. I’m sure that the people who designed this road meant to make it a turning lane … look how wide it is. And why should you have to wait for the light when you could pull out in front of someone and be merrily on your way? The person who is sitting at the light and about to make a right turn should realize that people are driving up to the right of him … and he is still living in the old world where rules mattered. Sad, sad, sad the way some people still live.
2. Cell Phones in Position….Next To The Ear. Look, you’re driving. It’s easy. What could go wrong? Call a friend and talk to them while you are driving. Don’t use one of those things on your ear. Nobody can hear you. Plus, it makes you look like an alien. Put the phone up next to your ear where it belongs. Prop your elbow up on the windowledge of your car. If you don’t talk to someone while you are driving, you are just wasting precious time. It’s even better if there are three or four people in the car, all on their own cell phones. You can get a lot done on the phone while you are driving. If you miss a few cues … red lights … stop signs … it’s no big deal. It’s something you can tell to the person you are talking to … assuming you survive. People who drive down the road without a cell phone to the head usually look sad. I think it’s because all their friends are too busy to talk to them.
3. Secret Weapon To Be Used Against Red Lights. If you are driving through a city, stop lights can add a lot of time to your trip. Sitting there at those red lights … for sometimes two minutes at a time … can be be maddening. The secret to making those things turn green is to have something important to do. For instance, if you are totally relaxed, singing a little church song to yourself, with a smile on your face, you are going to get caught by a red light. Red lights do the work of the devil and they do not like happy faces. Keep a stack of mail in the seat next to you. When approaching a red light, reach over and start looking through the stack of mail. It is even better if there is a personal letter in that stack that you want to read. Try to open it one-handed. Your red light experience will be so brief, that you will cruise through town without a hitch. Another trick is to dump your wallet on the floorboard. When approaching a red light, start trying to pick it up. I saved the best for last. It is for professionals only. When you are approaching the red light you should dump your coffee (see below) onto the floorboard of the car. While it eeks out of the sipper top, the choices between driving, going through the light, and saving your coffee (and carpet) make this a no-brainer. Save the coffee. You will never sit at a red light again.
4. Coffee. You must have coffee while you are driving. This will help you stay awake. It will help you look cool (especially if it is in a Starbucks cup), and it will give you something to do with all that free time you have while driving. Of course it also means that you must stop more often to rid yourself of the liquid … but that’s just another chance to get a refill. Also, do not be intimidated by the daunting task of talking on your cell phone while drinking coffee. It is your obligation to inform the person to whom you are speaking that you are drinking coffee and what kind it is. This lets your friend know that you are hip. All postmodern drivers under the age of 24 have learned to hold on to the cell phone, and sip their coffee, steering their automobile with this little knee maneuver. This should be practiced first on an interstate at 80 mph before trying it in the city.
5. Call for help. If you happen to have the bad luck of a flat, call for help. No one knows how to change a tire any more. Postmoderns cannot change tires. First, they have never known a time in their lives when they didn’t have at least three cars in the family – and one of them always works. Second, changing tires requires some unbendable rules … and rules just do not play well with postmoderns. Third, if you try to change your tire yourself you cannot talk on the cell phone and your coffee will get cold. Just call for help. Of course some good hearted person from the old days who knows how to change a tire could stop to help you. Then again, it could be some serial killer from a Lifetime movie and you may end up at the bottom of a lake as a part of a sick garden made up of floating dead people. Just call for help.
6. Get lost. Definitely pass up your exit, take the next one. It’s so boring to get a Google map, follow it explicitly, and then arrive at your destination with nothing to say. It is much better to have a tale about taking the wrong exit, not being able to get back on the interstate at that exchange, having to drive through a scary part of town, finally making it to where you were going. Doesn’t that sound like more fun? I have experienced this many times. It is a part of postmodern angst to note that our paths do not always take us where we desire. But sometimes when you take a wrong exit you find a Krispy Kreme with a red light on. Amen.
7. Video While Driving. Take a look.
Well, I hope that little guide helps you along on your trip. Have a great time and don’t forget to say howdy when you get back.
There’s something about THIS that makes me ill. It’s creative … and I’m sure there are people who would want to buy this stuff. And maybe someone can use it for good. It just seems so …. SECTARIAN. And honestly, most anything these days that smacks of sectarianism gives me the heaves. I’ve had my fill of that kind of thinking. Can you imagine Alexander Campbell having this pillow on his couch?
Bobby has a really great prayer posted on his blog. Do you ever use another source for your prayers? If so, share it with us! How about the Psalms…great prayerbook. Somebody should write a book about praying through the Psalms. I bet several somebodies already have!
Gary writes about Worship Attitudes. Excellent post.