Just checking in tonight from the Mississippi Delta. Yesterday we traversed across the state of Tennessee as we made our way from Pigeon Forge to Memphis, then South two hours to Ruleville. As we made our way from Cleveland to Ruleville, I think we both felt a darkness gathering around our hearts. We decided to stop at John Robert’s grave. We wept as the Mississippi sun set. It was painful to be there … seemed wrong not to be there.
It is always a joy to be with Maggy’s parents. In our common pain, we talk about John Robert often. Maggy and her mother were going through a box of pictures today. I didn’t look. Today I’ve been so washed out. I suppose it should be so after our mountain top experiences last week. I took a few naps today and I’ve already taken something to help me sleep tonight. I will be snoozing soon and perhaps John Robert and I will meet in my dreams. If I could program my dreams every night I would meet him and hug him. I would hold his face in my hands and tell him that I love him with all my heart. I would spend the night talking to him about all the things I was saving for another day. I would tell him that I’m sorry I didn’t do something to keep this from happening. I would tell him that I was proud of him … and that nothing he could have done would have made me love him less. I would regret the morning hours as sleep faded and the reality of daytime became brighter. But God does not give us this ability. I seldom remember my dreams … so even if we did meet, I wouldn’t know it later.
I ask Jesus to tell John Robert things all through the day, even though I do not know if he does that or not. It’s my way of keeping John alive in my heart. I’ve thought about some kind of way to memorialize him and keep him with me at all times … and I’m not sure what. A ring with his name on it? A necklace? Something I carry in my pocket? Maybe you have an idea.
We had someone look at our house today … we pray that they like it.
We will head to Monroe on Wednesday. We hope to look at some houses and start some kind of relocation process … even if it’s just a few baby steps. We also plan to worship at Forsythe for the first time since John Robert died. We look forward to seeing everyone. Alan Robertson will be preaching.
We’re just making it hour by hour through the day…and that’s not going to change.
Thanks for continuing to read and love us through this pain. We love you.