A Long Day

John Robert with his Uncle Johnny

I don’t expect this to have any great insight, just staying in touch. It’s been a long day. My focus in the morning was to get Maggy to the doctor where she received some intense medication and is already feeling some better. We had company in the afternoon … friends and neighbors … and food food food in the evening. We called Nicole and Robert to come over and help us consume it! Food is a communicator by which people offer their love and relieve us of having to care for ourselves. We are grateful … but there’s only two of us now… and nobody’s bringing salads if you get my drift! How wonderful the love of our community for us. (As I re-read this, I wanted to make it clear that we enjoyed everything brought to us and we’re not complaining a bit! Billie’s casserole … Wynona’s chicken soup … Quinn & Tracy’s chicken pot pie… Kathy’s desserts…WOW!!!  – and that was just today! We love all of you so much!)

Tomorrow Danny Dodd plans to come and spend the day with me. I look forward to this for a number of reasons. Danny and I have been best friends for so long I hardly remember not knowing him.

I’ve had long conversations with several friends today…which was a great way to pass the day. It’s hard to know what to do with myself. I see things I could be doing but I don’t have any motivation to do them.

I’ve had my tears today … mostly morning and evening.

Yesterday I tuned my guitar for the first time in months. At an earlier time of my life I used music as a source of comfort and expression. In the past couple of years the busyness of life had me leaving it on its stand more and more. It felt good to play this evening. I picked up an old songbook and began to play and sing a song of assurance. I have to tell you that I do believe these words … but I do not think them right now. Maybe they are more a promise for another day … a time in the future when I can manage to be grateful for my 18 years with John Robert without feeling such remorse at his loss. Is that even a possibility?

I’m hanging on to Jesus. I’m not just telling you this to sound righteous. Believe me, as raw as my feelings are right now I have no interest in trying to impress you. But hanging on to Jesus doesn’t mean that I understand anything. I don’t. It’s more a desperate clinging to the last remaining hope that I have.

So when I opened my songbook tonight to the following song, I sang it with tears. We need Jesus to lead us through this pain and loneliness.

All the way my Savior leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way.

Thanks for reading,

John

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